5 February 2023

It happened again
My face and his fist
They met again.

What had i asked,
Let me think.
A doctor and a bed, yes.
That’s what pushed him off the brink.

You say you want what’s best for me,
You say you always thought me and my brother the same,
But does the bruise on my face looks the same as the smile on his face?
Does his hands shake the same way like my hands?

I run.
I fetch.
I blink because he asked
I smile and i laugh,
I tell them, yeah he is the best
I tell them I’m fine, all because he makes me lie.

My feet can’t stop moving
My stomach can’t stop turning
Hands cold, face warm
The flu is coming.

In a land far off, i see her face
In a land far off, i see her smile.
In a land far off, i hate her face
In a land far off, i hate her smile.

I’m sitting in her kitchen
I’m cooking on her stove
One hand holding my stomach, one hand stirring the soup.
Tomato, onion and garlic-
That’s all i could find.
That’s all she left behind.

She used to say he’s the man
He is the Malik
Mera Malik
Tera Malik
Ghar ka malik
Yeah he is the man.

He walks where he wants to
He talks to people i talk to
He smiles in front of them
All to make it seem real.

I don’t think I’m real.
I smile
I also talk to people.
My friends know me, i think
I don’t know if they’re my friends
My hopes and dreams in that sink.

My hate grows by the day
My love reaches its end.
People say you’re so strong
I tell them you’re wrong.

Strength lies in the sea
Strength lies in the waves.
I am the sand
Slowly moving with the wind into the graves.

There’s more the one.
A grave for my courage
A grave for my thesis
A grave for sight of future
And a grave for my mother’s kiss.

That kiss raised me.
That kiss showed me
The love, the opportunity
The tomorrow and the day after
What duplicity!

I went to the doctor
How should I trust him?
He refused my hand
He refused my opinion.
He listens to the brother
He laughs with the brother
I don’t trust him.

He is your brother, my father said
He is my cousin, it’s not the same
I do have a brother
He is happy

He laughs
He runs
Not because he has to
But because he wants to
A little Weed will do that to you.

I don’t do weed no more.
I face my life with grace and dignity
I look for the serenity
Two years sober
What a load of shit.

The soup is done.
My feet are still cold
My hands are still shaking
I look off the cliff
But no! It’s not as compelling.

I look down the edge
Peace and quiet.
I look back out in the kitchen
Chaos and pain.
I choose this.

I choose life.
If i die it will be him or destiny
Not my own choice.
I will run.
I will fetch.
And one day i will leave him for death.

In a land nearer, i see you, mother
You still smile and reach out
your feet aren’t letting you
So you smile and say
Revenge looks good on you.


Author: harshihopes

From a very young age Harshi knew that she was Unique and started to notice her innate ability to write, but almost enrolled in a medical college because of family pressure. She mostly writes about her trans and queer experiences with her family and out in the lonely world in a funny yet brutally honest way.

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